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Old 06-21-2019, 06:06 PM
missileer missileer is offline
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Civil War shaggy-dog story

Southwestforests made a comment about an old artists sketch of a Civil War ironclad and a light bulb went off in my warped brain. I thought, with a little rearrangement embellishment, it would make a great Shaggy-Dog story. Since he is now co-author of this tome, he get half the cat-calls.

So, without further ado (drum roll, please)

A young man arrives at the War Dept of 1863 with a drawing of a newly launched Confederate Ironclad warship. He requests that he be hired as a combat illustrator. The officer studies the sketch and then tells the young man that he feels the young man is not mentally stable enough to handle such a posting. The young man says “What makes you think that?” The officer replies, “There are major flaws in the angle of view on the stern of this ship.” The young man replies,” My God, man, they were shooting at me with all sorts of weapons including heavy artillery. THEY WERE TRYING TO KILL ME! As I was finishing the stern portion of the ship, they were boarding small boats to cross the river and capture me and I had to complete the drawing in a hurry.” The officer replies, “I realize that, but it is obvious from your sketch here, that you have allowed the pressures of war to alter your perspective.”
(Don't shoot; I'll leave ,quietly.)
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Old 06-21-2019, 09:40 PM
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whulsey whulsey is offline
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So were is the Shaggy-Dog? … and how does this relate to a dog story?
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Old 06-21-2019, 10:48 PM
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The original "Shaggy-Dog" story actually did have a shaggy dog in it. Over the years, any story that had a twisted moral or ended in a pun or, as the original story had, a very flat ending, was classified as a shaggy dog story. I have a tendency to over classify things. I should have just told the dumb story and let the reader classify it.
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Old 06-22-2019, 02:18 PM
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Philip Philip is offline
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I love a good shaggy dog story. I've got three or four in my repertoire which go down very well with the audience, but the subject matter is such that it would be inappropriate to post them here. Shame.


I'd be interested in seeing the original story.
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Old 06-22-2019, 02:30 PM
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I am confused by all four posts in this thread.


There once was a man from Nantucket...
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Old 06-22-2019, 04:56 PM
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Philip,

No one is sure of the exact words or plot of the original story, but they all agree that it was a drawn out, long winded tale of a Shaggy Dog and ended with a comment about the shagginess of the dog. For my next post here, I will narrate the story version that I heard. Be prepared for a long winded tale. I also have my favorite shaggy-dog story that earned me fame at USNA as a Plebe and caused me to hurriedly leave several civilian bars. It is called "The Tale Of The Nuetniant".

Dave,
I think Limericks are great, also. As a mtter of fact, it was the one you mentioned that started me on this slippery slope of warped humor.
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Old 06-22-2019, 05:53 PM
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I thought that the officer was rather stern....

Jim Nunn
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Old 06-26-2019, 09:42 AM
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The seal in my oven just broke in half.
To be honest, I've never cooked it before. I'm expecting it to taste a bit like otter
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Old 06-26-2019, 09:51 AM
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Shortest joke?...

A seal...walks into a club....



baddum-bum
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Old 06-27-2019, 08:20 PM
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My Original Shaggy Dog Story (Final Offer)

I promised that my next post on this thread would be the Original story that I heard (modified more that a little bit, by me). This is the “original” that I heard, MANY years ago. It is not word for word (I have tweaked it over the years), but the story line is the one my mentor used. It is a bit long (I thought the original a bit too short), so it may take several posts (I don’t remember the byte limit per post here). So, without further delay, “hear” is the story:

One of the leading moving picture producers, in the ‘50s era of Hollywood, decided to create a new super hero in the form of a dog. He put out a casting call to select the star of the show. The requirements were rather simple, but narrow. The dog must be highly intelligent, large, and VERY shaggy.

A local aviator heard about the casting call and decided he had the perfect answer for the new super hero. He had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. He had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. The local aviator (we will call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both the movie producer and himself, world famous. So he got on the phone and arranged a meeting with the movie producer (no, I do not know his name).

The meeting took place in the producer’s office, because the producer did not want any chance of a leak to any of his competitors. They shook hands, poured coffee, and got down to the business at hand. Since the producer knew the man was an aviator, and not a dog breeder, he was very curious as to how SAM was going to solve his problem. So SAM explained that he had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. He had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. The local aviator (as you know, we will call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both the movie producer and himself, world famous. The movie producer was very excited and asked SAM to show him an example of the breed. SAM explained that it would take some time, because he would have to go to the monastery and bring one back, since no one, except the Monks, had any of the breed. The producer opened a special account from which SAM could draw funds and told SAM to get one of those dogs before one of his competitors stumbled on the breed. So SAM drew some funds and headed for Tibet. He made arrangements to be met at the airport by the best guide available.

The guide met SAM at the airport and asked him why he had been hired to meet SAM at the airport without even telling him what he was being hired to accomplish. Sam took him to the airport coffee shop and ordered up two ground roast Peruvian black coffees. When they were served their coffees and the waitress had departed, SAM looked around the room and surmised that no one could overhear their conversation. SAM then told him about the movie producer and the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. SAM then explained that he had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. He had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. The local aviator (as you know, we will call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both the movie producer and himself, world famous. The guide said that he would be glad to help, because he too, had befriended to monks during hard times, delivering supplies and even making repairs to the monastery. He had not been up to the monastery for several years, but was sure that it was still active. He knew a shortcut, so it would only take 4 days to get there, rather than the 8 days taking the normal path.

So the two men gathered supplies and pack horses and set off on the journey to the monastery. Some 3.5 days later (the guide had obviously miscalculated the travel time) they arrived at the monastery and found a goat herder siting on the steps leading to the monastery main entrance. Sam asked if any of the monks were nearby that he might introduce himself. The goat herder said no monks were there anymore, and asked why SAM wanted to find them. SAM realized that he was going to have to gain the respect and confidence of this goat herder, or the whole trip would be wasted. So SAM then told him about the movie producer and the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. SAM then explained that he had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. He had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. The local aviator (as you know, we will call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both the movie producer and himself, world famous. Well, the goat herder was so impressed, that he filled the two travelers in on the events that had happened in the last two years. The order had grown in number to the point that the monastery was not large enough to house all the members. They had built a new monastery on a neighboring mountain and moved lock, stock and barrel to the new location, and rented the old monastery to the goat herder. The goat herder than offered to take the two adventurers to the new monastery, stating that he knew a shortcut that would allow them to make the trip in just 2 and one half days. SAM agreed to hire for this effort and the three men set out for the new monastery. They arrived at the new monastery 1 and one half days later (for some reason, these mountain men did not have a good handle on time).

The wanderers were met at the gate by the Most Senior Monk and invited in to enjoy a cup of coffee before turning to the business of why they were where they were. SAM started his explanation by telling him about the movie producer and the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. SAM then explained that he had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. He had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. The local aviator (as you know, we will call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both the movie producer and himself, world famous.

Well, the Most Senior Monk was overjoyed at being able to thank, in person, the man responsible for saving the order during WWII. He said that he would be more than happy to supply a dog as a thank-you gift. He, however, had some bad news to pass on. The Monk that SAM had become friends with, had died recently, while on a rescue mission and was buried behind the chapel. The Most Senior Monk said that he would take SAM to the grave site, before he left, so that he might pay his respects to his friend. SAM, close to tears, thanked The Most Senior Monk for his thoughtfulness. When he visited the grave site, he found a simple stone marker, with only the date that his friend had entered the order, followed by the date he had died, follow by his ranking order within the order. Under all this was the words “THANK YOU” and the names of the 5 children that he had saved. SAM thought that he could convince the producer to include this rescue mission in the first episode film. With that, the three men, the dog, the horses and a few goats (which they had brought along for milk for their coffee ) departed the new monastery and made their way back to the old monastery. There, they dropped off the goat herder, the goats and some of the horses. The remaining two men then returned to the guide’s place of business to drop off the remaining horses. The guide then dropped SAM and the dog at the airport.

Upon returning to Hollywood, SAM made his way, immediately, to the movie producer’s office to deliver the dog. He showed the producer how intelligent the dog was and how the dog could do almost impossible heroic actions and waited for the producers words of praise. Instead, the movie producer calmly stated, “I cannot use this dog in my films.” In shock, SAM (I know, that is not his real name) jumped out of his chair and exclaimed, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CANNOT USE HIM IN YOUR FILMS? I have spent weeks of travel to dangerous places to make this happen. I hired the guide to whom I explained the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. Then explained that I had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. And how I had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. I (you do remember we call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both of us, world famous. “

“The guide and I went to the old monastery and found only a goat herder, who was not helpful until I explained the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. Then explained that I had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. And how I had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. I (you do remember we call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both of us, world famous. “

“The goat herder then lead us to the new monastery where I met with the Most Senior Monk to whom I explained the hunt for a new super hero in the form of a shaggy dog. Then explained that I had been a C-47 pilot, flying the “Hump” during WWII, and had helped evacuate a monastery of Monks during one of the last big Japanese assaults. And how I had gotten to know one of the Monks quite well and had learned that one of the missions that they provided the area was search and rescue. They bred a special breed of dog that could survive the harsh conditions of the Himalaya mountains and rescue lost or disabled humans trapped in disasters caused by those same harsh conditions. This breed was highly intelligent and could, in some cases, perform engineering feats in extracting victims of the mountains dirty tricks. It was a long legged dog (standing almost three feet at the shoulder, very stocky, with extremely long shaggy hair. (The long shaggy hair enabled the dog to survive the harsh conditions that it had to operate in) The dog’s hair secreted an oil that nothing could stick to and that included snow, ice, mud, etc. I (you do remember we call him SAM for the purpose of this story) just knew that this dog was the answer and would make both of us, world famous. “

“He gave me one of his very best and handsome dogs that fulfils your original request of being large, intelligent and VERY shaggy. I have accomplished a mission no one else could do and you tell me that you cannot use him in your films. Why, in Heaven’s name are you rejecting this dog?”

The movie producer answered, “I don’t want one THAT shaggy.”

And that my friends is the type of story that started it all and probably ended several careers.
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