More Funnys

[CMDRTED]

to err is human to forgive- is not my policy!

[Sakrison]

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a ninny about it. -- WC Fields

When we moved into our new house we found that we had some cash left over, on account of the plumber not knowing about it. -- Mark Twain

If you took all the people in Los Angeles and laid them out end to end, someone would cal it "art." -- unknown

I couldn't attend the funeral but I sent the family a note saying I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain, on the death of a former editor.

Of course truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. -- Mark Twain

One good turn gets most of the covers. -- unknown

A town too small to support one lawyer will provide a good living for two.
-- Winston Churchill(?)

Be careful reading health books; you could die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

I was born one of identical twins; even my mother couldn't tell us apart. When we were three years old, one of us drowned in the bathtub. I'd give the world to know which one. -- Mark Twain (paraphrase) in an interview during a lecture tour. The reporter, who didn't know who Twain was, wrote in his article, "There's a lunatic loose at the hotel."

Asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence, essayist Dorothy Parker replied:
"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." (Read it out loud.)
.

[EvilTessmacher]

#43: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and fifty thou... - Mae West.

[Uyraell]

"A loaf of wine, a jug of bread, and thee: ... I'm not so think as you drunk I am."

[wag]

I believe these are courtesy of Gallagher, the comic with the sledge-o-matic;
"Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?"
"Why do they call them apartments when they're all right next to each other?"
"Why does "little" have twice as many letters as "big?"
Wayne

[murphyaa]

Originally Posted by wag

I believe these are courtesy of Gallagher, the comic with the sledge-o-matic;
"Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?"
"Why do they call them apartments when they're all right next to each other?"
"Why does "little" have twice as many letters as "big?"
Wayne

Why is cargo hauled in ships, while freight goes in trucks and trains?

[Tex]

I like flying, but it really doesn't raise my confidence much when airports are called "terminals" ...
... nor when what doctors do is called "practice" ... <doh>

[Tex]

I also keep wondering about the ability of our drivers when you find Braille signs at the drive-thru counter of your local bank ...

[richkat]

It's funny!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
............Rich

[richkat]

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don 't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)



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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









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Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







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Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





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He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
......Rich