More Funnys

[richkat]

PARAPROSDOKIANS -- (Winston Churchill loved them), are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.





1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.





2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.





3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.





4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.





5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.




6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.



7. Knowledge knows a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.



9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.



10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.



11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.



12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'



13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.



14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.



16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.



17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.



19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.



20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.



21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.



22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.



24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.



27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Spar]

Funny! I like them too.

[JohnM]

28. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!

Oooooh, I did like No 2. I can use that effectively.

Johnny.

[Tex]

29. Never mind what people think - they don't do that all too often!

[richkat]

IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!!!











I Just Realized Something.





My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.



I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~ My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!

[Thomas Meek]

I stood and watched my dog chase his tail for three minutes, and I laughed at him until I realized that I had just stood there watching my dog chase his tail for three minutes.

Yeah, a little off topic, I know...

[ultra]

Originally Posted by richkat

IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!!!











I Just Realized Something.





My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.



I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~ My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!

you know what that makes more sense than you may actually think even in here it's the same they live like kings (i know still off topic)

ultra stone

[ThunderChild]

#27 reminded me of the one that goes:

"I always hated it when, at weddings, older people would nudge me in the ribs saying:"you're next"...
They stopped doing that when I started doing the same to them at funerals"

[Thomas Meek]

#30. I wanted to get there early so I got up before breakfast.
#31. I always wash the dishes before every meal.
#32. If I had had more time I would have written less. (Anybody know the attribution of this one?)

[Thomas Meek]

re: #32: I cheated and googled it myself. Blaise Pascal Provincial Letters: Letter XVI, 4 December, 1656.