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  #11  
Old 07-12-2017, 11:22 AM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A crow with a shotgun.

What's black and yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

A customs officer sees a man disembarking and pushing a wheelbarrow, on inspection, the wheelbarrow is full of horse manure.
"Got you !" thinks the Officer.
"O.K. What are you smuggling?" He asks.
"Nothing is the innocent reply.
Having no choice, the officer digs deep into the manure and sifts it thoroughly through his fingers, ...Nothing!
He has to let him through.
Well, to cut a long story short, this goes on once a week for 15 years, each time the Customs officer finds nothing.
Time comes for the man to retire and he has nothing left to lose, so when the horse manure carrier wheels through he asks "Look, I'm retiring tomorrow and I'd like at last to know what you've been smuggling past me all these years"
"Wheelbarrows".
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Last edited by elliott; 07-12-2017 at 05:53 PM. Reason: Great joke! Just keeping it family-friendly
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  #12  
Old 07-12-2017, 11:27 AM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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The barman was idly washing glasses one lunchtime when in walked a Duck with a newspaper under it's arm. The duck sat on a barstool and said "Glass of beer please"
The astonished barman serves him and takes his money.
The next day it happens again!
And the next day.....
By the end of the week the barman can contain himself no longer and when the duck comes in and gets his beer he says to him...
"You know, there's circuses out there who would pay a fortune for someone with your skills !"
The duck thinks for a while and then says...
"What would a circus want with a plasterer ?"
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  #13  
Old 07-12-2017, 11:52 AM
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Paper Kosmonaut Paper Kosmonaut is offline
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A bus driver opens the doors at the bus stop to let passengers in. Lastly, a big elephant enters, who pays for a ticket in small change.
Amazed, the driver hands the ticket to the elephant and before the animal walks on to find a seat, the driver says: Wow, this is the first time I ever see an elephant taking the bus.
The elephant looks at the bus driver and says: Might also be the last time. Tomorrow my moped's back from the repair shop.
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  #14  
Old 07-12-2017, 02:25 PM
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Have you heard of the bedbug that was born in the spring?
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  #15  
Old 07-12-2017, 10:39 PM
missileer missileer is offline
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Sean spent the night at Michael's house after a night at the pub. Sean comes down for breakfast and Michael says "I had a terrible night last night; I didn't sleep a wink. I kept hearin' noises out on me front lawn. Finally, I took a peek and saw a shanty Irishman lurkin' about the place. And while I was watchin', he stole me front gate! Took it right off the hinges, he did!"
Sean says, "That's terrible. Did you call the Constable?"
Micheal says, "Well, I thought about it, but I was afraid that if I did anything a'tal, he might take offense!"

(OK, I'll shut the door quietly on my way out)
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  #16  
Old 07-13-2017, 12:04 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Not really politically correct, but worth it.

Once upon a time there were two very close friends. Unfortunately our lord had set upon them two disabilities.
One, nicknamed 'Umpy, had been born with a hunch back.
His dear friend Limpy, had been born with a very bad limp.
Once a week their caring parents would allow them to go to the local pub, on condition that they were at home for 8 o'clock and drank no more than two pints of beer.
Well! One Friday night they were at the pub playing darts and had so much fun they forgot the time.
"Oh 'eck" cried 'umpy, "Me mam'll kill me if ah'm 'ome late"
And so off they rushed.
They passed the local graveyard and 'umpy said "Let's take a shortcut"
"No, No, NO, " Cried limpy, t'devil lives there !
Well Ah'm takin' it said 'Umpy.
And with that he left behind his friend and went into the graveyard.
As he passed memorial after memorial he became more and more scared, when SUDDENLY....
from behind a gravestone appeared ! The Devil !
"What's that on yer back?" he demanded.
"It's me 'ump" he replied.
"Give it to me, I want it" said the devil and promptly stole it.
Well !
'Umpy couldn't wait until he saw his friend lefty again and told him his story.
"Gosh" thought limpy, "If he........" "Then maybe I...."
So the next night they went out, as they passed the cemetary, Limpy said "Ah'm goin' back through the shortcut"
"Don't go " pleaded 'Umpy. "T'Devil lives there !"
But limpy could not be persuaded, and off he went into the graveyard.
As he passed memorial after memorial he became more and more scared, when SUDDENLY....
From behind a gravestone appeared ! The Devil !
"What's that on yer back" he demanded.
"Nowt !" Cried Limpy !
"Ave an' 'ump"
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