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  #1  
Old 04-07-2018, 01:40 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Quak ?

The barman was stood behind his bar washing glasses, it had been a slow day, when the door opened and in walked a duck with a copy of "The Mirror" under it's arm.
"Pint 0f bitter please, mate" the duck said.
The barman was amazed,!
A talking duck !
He served the duck his pint.
The duck opened his newspaper and read it whilst drinking his beer.
"Pint of bitter please" the duck asked again.
The barman served him again , trying to hide his amazement.
Over the next three days , the same thing happened, Duck, pints, newspaper.
After the first three days the barman could not hold his excitement anymore.
When the duck walked in for his daily beers the barman blurted out:-
"Look, please mate. You really should be in a circus, they would be AMAZED by you and would pay you anything you wanted."
The duck looked puzzled for a moment , and then asked:-
"What would a circus want with a plasterer ?"
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2018, 06:01 PM
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Miles Linnabery Miles Linnabery is offline
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Dear Sprogs:
I am Sorry, some where crossing the big pond I don't get the joke just paste a post it note on my forehead that say's dumb American.
Lost in the english language.
Miles
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Old 04-07-2018, 06:25 PM
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Old 04-07-2018, 09:24 PM
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Rata Rata is offline
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Even if we didn't have either ducks or plasterers here in Australia I would still get it sprogs- and it's a good one!
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Old 04-07-2018, 09:49 PM
elliott elliott is offline
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Here's another colonial who got it the first time 'round . . . . . .
And who's heard it before. It's an oldie IIRC.
Still funny though.
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Old 04-29-2018, 12:13 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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another a "....." walks into a bar joke

The barman was idly cleaning glasses at the bar when the door opened and in walked an Atom !
'scuse me barman, but has an Electron been in here just before me?"
"No, Why do you ask ?"
"Well, it's just that I've lost one"
"Are you sure ?"
"Yes. I'm positive !"
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Old 04-29-2018, 12:27 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Oh, dear God please NO ! It's happening AGAIN !

The barman was idly cleaning glasses at the bar, when the door opened and in walked a piece of Grey Tarmac.
"Pint of bitter mate, and make it quick, because I'm an 'ard piece of Tarmac and I take no S**T from anyone"
In fear of his safety the barman quickly serves him and retreats to the far end of the bar.
"Pint again mate and don't hang around because I get vicious if I'm kept waiting because I'm 'ard"
Again the barman quickly serves him and returns to the far end of the bar, when, suddenly........
.....The door to the pub is kicked so hard it smashes through the frame, and in walks a piece of Red Tarmac !
The Grey Tarmac looks once and runs off to hide in the toilets.
"Pint of bitter NOW and don't make me wait one second longer than I have to or I'll wreck the place !"
The trembling barman serves him and without waiting for the money runs and hides.
The Red Tarmac drinks in one gulp and leaves.
The barman and the grey tarmac emerge from hiding.
"Hey, I thought you said you were hard ", said the barman.
"Oh yes " said the Grey Tarmac, I'm really hard, but you have to watch out for them red Tarmacs, they're Pcyclepaths !"
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Old 05-22-2018, 12:14 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Oh No, not her again !

So...
A duck walks into a bar and walks up to the counter and says to the barman...
"Got any bread ?"
" No, no" says the confused barman.
.
.
"Got any bread?" says the duck again.
"No, I said I didn't have any bread" says the barman.
.
.
"Got any bread?" again !
"Look.! I said I haven't got any bread twice now, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY BREAD"
.
.
"Got any bread?"
"GOOD GRIEF, If you ask me one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!"
.
.
"Got any nails ?"
"No ?"
.
.
"Got any bread ?"
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Old 05-22-2018, 12:39 PM
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airdave airdave is offline
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Here Miles...I Americanized Liz's joke for you.

A Bartender was standing behind the bar picking his nose...it had been a long pick...
when the door opened and in walked a Duck with a copy of National Enquirer under its wing.

"A glass of cheap whiskey and keep em coming." said the Duck.
The bartender was stunned.
The newest issue of Enquirer a day early!!!
...oh, and a talking Duck.

He served the Duck a shot of whiskey.
The Duck opened his paper and began to read after downing the liquor.
"Another, please" the Duck asked the bartender.

The bartender served the Duck again trying not reveal his reaction to the cover photo of Brad Pitt
...and his amazement over a talking Duck reading a newspaper.

Over the next three days, the same thing happened at 5pm...Duck, Tabloid Newspaper, Whiskey.
Eventually the bartender couldn't hold his opinion and when the Duck appeared on the fourth day
the bartender blurted out " Look here...you should really be in the Circus. They'd be amazed and pay you anything you wanted!"

The Duck looked at the bartender...puzzled...and asked "Why would a Circus want a Dry-Waller?"
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  #10  
Old 05-22-2018, 02:45 PM
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darter darter is offline
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Sorry, a joke just looses something when you have to explain it or translate it.

If you don't get it straight up then give up.

So try this one.

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam.
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