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  #91  
Old 12-10-2018, 05:49 PM
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musicman musicman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miles Linnabery View Post
Cats reply, Light bulb, we don't kneed no stinking light bulb, we see in the dark.
Enjoyment
Miles

I totally agree with you Miles.
Cats Rule !!!
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  #92  
Old 12-10-2018, 08:12 PM
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Rangerdog Rangerdog is offline
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Q: What did the polar bear have to eat after he went to the Dentist?

A: The Dentist! ��
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  #93  
Old 12-20-2018, 02:26 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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The Lovers

Many years ago, when I was a child, I lived in the West Yorkshire town of Leeds.
Near to me was a lovely park with bowling greens, tennis courts and statues.
The most famous of these statues was called "The Lovers".
It was of a man and a woman reaching for each other but for all time separated by just a few feet.
One day an angel came down and said :-
"For one hundred and nine years you have been held apart, for this one Christmas day I give you the power of movement".
The two lovers held and kissed each other tenderly.
Then one said to the other, looking at a nearby shrubbery, "Shall we ?"
They disappeared into the shrubs and for a while nothing could be heard but a groaning sound.
Eventually, they came out from the shrubs and paused before returning to their pedestals.
"Shall we do it again ?" asked the smaller of the two.
"O.K." said the larger, but this time you hold the pigeon while I c**p on it ".
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  #94  
Old 12-25-2018, 11:34 AM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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It was late at night, and the Archbishop of Notre Dame was, to put it bluntly, absolutely shattered.
It had been a long day, sermons, blessings, hymns and absolutions had taken their toll on him.
His mitre was chafing, his hidden kneepads were rubbing and his genuflecting finger was throbbing with overuse.
At last he could close up the cathedral and get some well earned sleep.
Bringing out the stepladder he locked first the top bolt, then the middle bolt and finally the backbreaking lower bolt on the cathedral door. Then, down the aisle to the alter, pause, genuflect, and off to the stairs. Locking the stairway's doors behind him he climbed the 70 feet to his Archbishops quarters.
Slamming the door behind him he threw his mitre with the accuracy of long practice onto it's stand on the bedside table, removed his cloth of gold surplice and his boxer shorts and "Green bay Packers" tee shirt.
Finally he threw himself onto his four poster bed and with a deep sigh extinguished the candle and prepared for a good sleep.
Just as he was dozing off, ...
....BOOM, BOOM BOOOM....
OOOOOH NOOO !!!
It was the sound of the heavy brass doorknocker on the Catheral's front door.
"No way" he thought, "Sleepy time for Archy".
"Boom Boom Boom"
"Boom Boom BOOOOOM"
He could no longer ignore it.
So, removing his "Banana Bunch onesy he dragged on his boxer shorts and "Green bay packers" tee shirt, drew on his cloth of gold surplice and retrieved his mitre from the nightstand.
Opening his bedroom door he descended the 70 feet to the cathedral's floor, bowed before the altar and, muttering, made his way up the aisle, collecting the keys and the stepladder on his way.
Top bolt, clunk !
Middle bolt, Clunk !
Bottom bolt (OWWW my back), Clunk.
Finally, he swung open the doors and, peering out into the night's gloom intoned :-
"Bless you my child, how may I he......"
There was no-one there !
Suddenly, from below, came a small cough.
"Ahem"
He looked down and there was a tiny woman wrapped in a ragged shawl.
"Bless you my dear, how may I help you ?"
"Sorry to bother your Archbishopness at this time of night" she said.
"It's just that I'm Mrs Modo".
"I just thought that I'd pop in to tell you our Quasi can't come into work tomorrow"

"He's got a bad back".


Merry Christmas everybody.
Liz
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  #95  
Old 02-16-2019, 01:17 PM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an itheberg.
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  #96  
Old 04-21-2019, 02:18 PM
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herky herky is offline
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what a great day to go up to a roman soldier ,give him a bag of nails and ask if he can put you up for the night
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  #97  
Old 04-21-2019, 02:36 PM
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Butelczynski Butelczynski is offline
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(she)-do you like kids?
(me)-no,I like grown up women.sorry (walk away)

totally confused look on her face-priceless
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  #98  
Old 04-22-2019, 04:42 AM
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herky herky is offline
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hooker- to me '''Do you want something youve never had before???
me to hooker ""why? do you have leprosy ""
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  #99  
Old 04-22-2019, 05:56 AM
JohnGay JohnGay is offline
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Did you know that if you re-arrange the letters of POSTMEN . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
They get very angry with you?
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  #100  
Old 06-06-2019, 11:53 AM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Deep in the heart of Texas, an elderly couple were sitting quietly on the back porch, sheltering from the blistering heat.
After so many years together they had little need to speak as they had already said all that they had to say.
Suddenly she looked across to him and quietly said "Dear. When die will you marry again?"
"Darlin', How could you ask such a thing ? It hurts to even think about it."
Later.
"Dear, If you did marry again would you let her stay in our house ?"
"Darlin'.How could you ask such a thing >"
Later.
"Dear. Would you let her sleep in our bed ?"
"Darlin. I can not consider that question !"
Long pause.
"Dear. Would you let her use my golf clubs ?"
"Darlin' Don't be silly she's left handed."
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