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  #51  
Old 08-22-2018, 09:08 AM
elliott elliott is offline
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A very, very wealthy man was discussing with his wife how he wanted his final affairs settled. He said "I want all of my wealth to be buried with me." After some animated discussion she finally agreed.

The very, very, very wealthy man died not too long after. After the funeral the very, very, very, very wealthy man's wife and his sister were sitting in the kitchen talking.

"Did you really bury all his wealth with him?" asked the sister.

"Yes, I did." replied the wife.

She paused for a few seconds and then said





"I wrote him a check."
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Shamelessly stolen from a post by rockpaperscissor
  #52  
Old 11-01-2018, 03:37 PM
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Butelczynski Butelczynski is offline
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I walk into shipping office of company X to drop something off and give paperwork to lady behind the counter

-Is it still raining? asks lady
-yup,isn't it wonderful? with cheer says me...

Lady gives me "death stare" and some guy 3 desks over starts laughing uncontrollably.It's been raining since 6am,it's dark and gloomy.
  #53  
Old 11-02-2018, 07:03 AM
ricomon35 ricomon35 is offline
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A little Phonetic License

The Sounds of Science.

The Origin of Speeches.

I shot the SERIF.

Oral Robbers.

Uttered Chaos.

Punsy Scheme.

GAG reflexes.

To hear a mocking verb.

Ad-Libs Shrugged.

Idiom Savant.

So quiet you can hear a pun flop.

Puns and Needles

Hold the LMAO.

No Punning Aloud.

Last edited by ricomon35; 11-02-2018 at 07:23 AM.
  #54  
Old 11-02-2018, 07:04 AM
ricomon35 ricomon35 is offline
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“Where do cantaloupes go in the summertime?"


"Johnny Cougar’s Melon Camp.”
  #55  
Old 11-02-2018, 07:13 AM
ricomon35 ricomon35 is offline
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“Led Zeppelin’s guitarist was interrogated last week....

but detectives weren’t able to turn the Page”
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  #56  
Old 11-02-2018, 03:54 PM
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Rata Rata is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ricomon35 View Post
“Led Zeppelin’s guitarist was interrogated last week....

but detectives weren’t able to turn the Page”
I'm sure there's a Plant joke in there somewhere too.....
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  #57  
Old 11-02-2018, 06:29 PM
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shipbuild shipbuild is offline
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BAGPIPES

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless military man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.



I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "That was beeyooteeful! I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."



Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
  #58  
Old 11-03-2018, 03:53 AM
Revell-Fan Revell-Fan is offline
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Lololololololol!!!!!!!!!!
  #59  
Old 11-05-2018, 06:53 PM
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Amccombs3 Amccombs3 is offline
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I built this model once before, but somehow misplaced it, which is not surprising considering that it is less than 2 inches long. It's a 1:100 Murcielago, or, in other words . . .

An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow paper Lamborghini
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  #60  
Old 11-05-2018, 07:32 PM
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Neilio Neilio is offline
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Originally Posted by Amccombs3 View Post
An itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow paper Lamborghini

No more calls, please! We have a winner!
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