Bad Jokes, Folks

[sparrowhawk]

Do you know why some sea birds are extremely easy to catch?

Because they are so gullible.



Why doeshn´t the shrimp like to share?
Becaush´he ish a little shellfish.

[sprogs]

My friend said to me "Liz, how long can you keep a turkey in the freezer?"
I said "I'm not sure, but it must be several months"
"That's really weird", he said. "I only put it in last Thursday but when I checked last night it was already dead"

[Erik J]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[sprogs]

I was asked "Describe yourself in three words:-"

"Can't count"

[JohnGay]

Originally Posted by sparrowhawk

Do you know why some sea birds are extremely easy to catch?

Because they are so gullible.

Related story from a sailor:

The SPY-1 RADAR system used on AEGIS Class ships use large flat panels consisting of thousands of tiny antennas that each transmit a small amount of power each, but the beam is steered electronically, focusing into over 100 KW of RF energy several feet from the antenna panel.

The upshot of this is, it is safe to stand within a few feet of the panels. But there is no way to know where the beam is focused at any one time.

A favorite pastime was to lean against the panel and toss bread to the seagulls. most of the time they were fine. But occasionally, a seagull would just happen to fly directly into the >100KW RADAR beam.

I'll leave it to your imagination.

[Butelczynski]

So some young woman is hitting on me,chatting away,paying with her hair etc.

-she shows me her pix on FB ,asks to see mine
-I don't have FB
-do you have instagram
-nope
-twitter?
-nope
-tinder
-what's that?

(confused look) are you on anything at all?

-blood pressure and kidney meds,that's it,I swear

she takes off.Older lady few tables over gives me a wink.2020 will be a good year.

True story

[herky]

courtesy of another page

[sprogs]

There is an old Yorkshire saying ;-
"There's only three kinds of folks, them as can count and them as can't"

[sprogs]

I've combined my skills of bomb-making and taxidermy...

I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse.

[sprogs]

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.