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  #131  
Old 01-15-2020, 11:22 AM
sprogs sprogs is offline
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Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
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  #132  
Old 01-19-2020, 03:15 AM
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Don't know where you get 'em sprogs but you get some absolute gems.
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''Oh, stop whining! Can't you just print off another one?''- my wife ca 2018
  #133  
Old 01-24-2020, 04:27 PM
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Erik J Erik J is offline
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
  #134  
Old 08-06-2020, 11:30 AM
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We have a Kestrel that spends all evening dancing to 80's pop music.

Our Kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
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  #135  
Old 08-06-2020, 11:31 AM
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I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
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  #136  
Old 08-06-2020, 11:34 AM
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I can't get enough of ancient Ottoman inspired Spanish architecture-
It's soooo moorish.

It's a well known fact that Alan Turing led the team that was responsible for decoding the Enigma machine ciphers. What is less well known is that they would not have been able to succeed without the tea, biscuits and sandwiches supplied by his sister, Kay.
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  #137  
Old 08-21-2020, 10:23 AM
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cables

So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
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  #138  
Old 08-21-2020, 10:24 AM
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- Can you tell me how diamonds are formed?
- Under extreme pressure
- OK, tell me how diamonds are formed or I’ll break both your knees
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  #139  
Old 08-21-2020, 06:00 PM
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Actually they are the first things made from carbon in a supernova.
Good joke though.
Cheers Bob
  #140  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:05 AM
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The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the Doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or our children," she went on "and every move caused him horrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out that they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now", she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said " I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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