Bad Jokes, Folks

[romanmodels]

good one sprogs

[Butelczynski]

So I'm working on a job site and my cell goes off.My mother.

-I'm calling to let you know your brothers are coming for a visit...what's that racket in the background?
-I'm in a hospital.
_Oh,what did you do ?What happened,are you hurt?
-No mum,I'm working.
-You got me so worried,you shouldn't say things like that.It's bad luck.


Lucky me she didn't call when I was installing railing in prison last week.Or fridge slides in a morgue this morning.Cool job ,eh?

[sprogs]

1. Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2. If you can smell the wine then drink it & see if you can taste it.

3. If you can taste & smell it confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night I did the test 19 times, & all were negative, thank God.

Tonight I am going to do the test again, because this morning I woke with a headache & feel like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

[sprogs]

I once got into an argument about hosiery with a bank teller. I'd gone in to the bank with a stocking over my head and said: 'This is a hold-up'.

[Erik J]

Wife's Diary:

My husband and I had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner tonight, but he is acting strange.

I had gone shopping all day with my friends, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you", too.

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and that he no longer wanted me.

He just sat quietly watching TV, and seemed distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

------------------------------------------------

Husband's Diary:

Lost my new paper modelling scissors. No idea where to look for them.

[romanmodels]

I was just kicked out of a Flat Earth facebook group because I asked if the the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

[hrogers]

“I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Walmart and standing in line at the check out.
“A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
“On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
“I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
“I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
“Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no;

I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.
“I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.”

[gregbal]

If a person is a kleptomaniac...
...is there anything they can take for it?

[sprogs]

I phoned up to book an hotel room and the receptionist said "Hello Best Western", so I said "True Grit".

[sprogs]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.