Bad Jokes, Folks

[skidoosnopro]

Sorry if repeat

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ***** what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a d@&$ thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ***** to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[juan angel 747]

Do you know how a systems engineer got his grandfather out of a 30-year coma?

unplugging it and plugging it back in

[dennis]

me thinks the witness is an Idiot, or very well coached...

[sprogs]

We'd just got a new, rather expensive car.
It was a bit longer than our old one so when I was reversing into the garage I asked my partner to tell me when I was close to the back wall.
As I eased back I heard a sickeningly expensive crunch !...

"3-45 pm" she shouted.

[murphyaa]

That reminds me of when I was growing up. We had a '77 4-door Dodge Dart we'd inherited from my grandfather, who it had been given to after he retired from the city fire department. Dad spent every weekend working on the carburetor, the speedometer just sat there spinning when you were driving, and the rear doors would pop open if you took a turn too hard (it made the game of "Corners" more fun for us kids in the back).
After a few years, it gave up the ghost, and Dad sold it to a scrapyard, and they sent a rollback truck to pick it up. After scraping the rear bumper of the Dart on the ground, the driver finally got it loaded. The front bumper was touching the headache rack behind the cab, and the rear bumper hung out about 3 feet beyond the rear of the bed. The driver turns to us and says "and this is classified as a compact car."

[Butelczynski]

My former neighbor got somewhere mid 70s Dodge Dart in cool green color hoping to get it running and restoring it. He failed. It became a racoon lodge.

That really happened:

Wife asks husband jokingly:

Did you sleep with my friend?

Husband with very serious tone:

Which one?



I'm told two weeks later they are still arguing about it.

[Butelczynski]

ups. Double tap

[Jim Nunn]

When I retired I decided to grow an organic garden , you know the drill Eat Right Live Right. One of my friends who does organic gardening said that I should use chicken poop on my strawberries, I gave it try and I hear to tell you I was not impressed and I'm going back to using whipped cream on my strawberries.

[juan angel 747]

my girlfriend He asks me to give him space and time

I think she want to calculate the speed

[Erik J]

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.