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Old 04-29-2008, 01:33 PM
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Aviation Humor

Pulled this from another forum. It's probably been around for ages and everybody else has read it - but it was new to me :D

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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  #2  
Old 04-29-2008, 03:34 PM
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Great stuff, Dan!

I used to hear No. 10 as a Marine joke: How does a Marine aviator know that he's landed with his wheels up?

A couple of years ago, a hilarious set of aviation pilot/ mechanic comments was making the rounds. Can't find it
now and wonder if you or someone else has a copy.

One that I remember was "Pilot entry: evidence of hydraulic leak, left undercarriage leg. Mechanic entry: evidence wiped off."

As a kid, I used to hang out at Baltimore's Harbor Field with a neighbor who was a Maryland Air National Guard civilian mechanic. The MD ANG flew T-6s and F-51s in those days. I used to hear a lot of these kinds of jokes.

Don
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Old 04-29-2008, 04:42 PM
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No. 10 reminds me of an RNZAF story.....

Back in WW2 the RNZAF tried to teach a group of Chinese pilots to fly Corsairs. Unfortunately the language barrier was a major difficulty so they taught the Chinese the appropriate radio calls by the simple "say this phrase here" technique. After one memorable wheels up landing where the Corsair underwent reverse manufacture, the fuselage wound up in a ditch beside the runway the tower received the call.... "Corsair 91 is clear off runway".

Regards,

Charlie
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Old 04-29-2008, 05:03 PM
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Perhaps this is what Don was thinking of
____________________________________
After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Old 04-29-2008, 05:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looker View Post
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Qantas has had accidents but no fatalities - last one I remember was a 747 which aquaplaned off the end of the runway at Bangkok.

Regards,

Charlie
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Old 04-30-2008, 10:36 AM
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An RAAF friend with whom I served in Korea in the mid-70s told me that once, as a Cathay Pacific 747 was trundling down the runway at Kai Tak, it passed a Panam 747 that had gotten one set of wheels mired just off the edge of the taxiway and was surrounded by emergency vehicles and workers.

The Cathay Pacific pilot (an Australian) could not resist getting on the intercom and announcing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you will look out the right side of the aircraft, you will see the World's Most Experienced Airline having one of its experiences."

Alas, Kai Tak and Panam are both long gone with Northwest (which I will always think of as Northwest Orient) soon to follow.

Don

PS: Looker: That was it!
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Old 04-30-2008, 01:32 PM
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A picture sometimes says it all
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:58 PM
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i would laugh, but i'm too busy perfecting my vertical ejection seat for helicopters... and there is nothing repelling about them, unless they are upside down in the water
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Old 05-01-2008, 01:09 AM
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Well, if your wings are going faster than your fuselage, you must be in a helicopter, and therefore inherently unsafe.
And a helicopter is merely thousands of parts loosely flying in formation.
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Old 05-01-2008, 02:30 AM
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I've had a number of memorable helicopter flights. Ones which come to mind right of the top of my head was in the gunner's seat of a Mi-24 Hind (in Honduras after a pilot in Nicaragua defected with it), in a Huey over an erupting volcano in the Philippines and skimming the whitecaps, dodging icebergs somewhere south of Thule AB, Greenland.

But the one which really sticks in my head happened in 1977, at Aviano AB, Italy. The US contingent there, after years of requesting the action, was finally given permission by the Italians to take aerial photos of the base. Myself and one of the photo lab photographers were assigned to the job. We were to obtain black and white, color print and color slide images of portions of the base. Not as easy as it sounds as Aviano AB was scattered around the Italian town of Aviano. The base was originally constructed by the Germans during WWII. The operations area was located several miles outside of town. The housing area was centrally located in the town and built similar to other dwellings. There were four or five other areas of the base scattered around the area.

Once we got airborne, the photo lab photographer was on one side, and I was on the other side, sitting on the floor with my feet dangling outside. I was also strapped in so I could lean out and get good straight on shots of the subject. After flying around at about 1000 meters taking our shots, both of me and the lab photographer were having a difficult time locating one of the areas. It was well hidden in the countryside.

Believing we were up too high, I asked the pilot if he could take us down lower in order to locate the buildings we need to shoot. As soon as I asked if he go to a lower altitude, he let the bottom fall out. My body and stomach were suddenly in free fall and I was more concerned about loosing the F-1 Nikon around my neck than anything else at the time. Then, just as quick as we started to fall, we stopped. We couldn't have been more than 150 meters off the ground at the time. When we stopped, I could actually feel the entire craft rebound as the rotors flexed.

The copilot then turned around, looked at me with a huge grin and through the headset, asked if that was low enough. As I looked at him, I moved the mic away from my mouth, turned, lowered my head and let breakfast fly all over the west side of Aviano. At the same time, I located the final area we were to shoot...it was ground zero of my breakfast and that of the other photographer as I later learned.

When we landed, the pilot patted me on the back, thanked me for not messing up his helicopter, laughed and walked away.

Too this day, I don't know how the rotors survived the fall, but it was a ride I will never forget.
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