Disorder in the courts

[Willja67]

Just in case you need a good laugh ..........


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______ _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________ ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next t morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess..
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[GreMir]

It's scary that somebody's future might depend on a moron like that.....

[treadhead1952]

Oh yeah, you just know those guys bought the answers to their BAR exams.:D

[whulsey]

Shouldn't have been drinking coffee when I read those, now I gotta clean my monitor and keyboard. ROFLOL! At least I didn't have model parts spred out like usual. Althought it is scary to think that they did manage to pass a bar exam.

[Yu Gyokubun]

Thank you for providing the material for good laugh. I want to buy this book. What the title of the book?..... My IQ is same as one of those attorneys.....:(

[Don Boose]

This reminds me of a little book my parents had entitled "Dear Sir." It was a collection of letters sent to the census bureau, draft boards, ration control boards, and other government agencies just before and during WWII.

The only ones I can remember are from the census questionnaire:

Q: Are your children boys or girls?
A: Of course. What else?

Q. How many adults reside in your household?
A: Two adults and two adultresses.

[murphyaa]

My brother works as an attendance clerk for a middle school, and is in the process of writing a book based on the letters he gets from parents trying to excuse their children from school.

I can't remember any off hand, but I do remember rolling on the floor when he let me browse through the box of letters.

[dansls1]

It reminds me of when one of the famous athletes received an organ transplant (Mickey Mantle's liver possibly?) and during the press interview with the Dr. who did the transplant a question came up about the donor. The comment was that his lung, heart and several other organs were also havested into the donor pool. A member of the press then asked if the donor had lived. The Dr. responded with 'you must be a sports writer' and went on to the next question.