Wisdom from Military Training Manuals

[gregh]

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-US. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-General Mac Arthur
"You, you, and you... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-Infantry Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-Army Ordnance Manual
"Five second fuses last about three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
The three most useless things in aviation are: fuel in the bowser, runway behind you, and air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
-Naval Ops Manual
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Infantry Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him."
-Infantry Journal
"Yeah, though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 feet and climbing."
-Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-Unknown Author
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe."
-Fixed Wing Pilot
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-Multi-Engine Training Manual
"Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club."
-Unknown Author
"If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!" the last two will be echoes." If you stop to ask "Why?" you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot."
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies... but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
"Never trade luck for skill."
-Author Unknown
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: "Did you feel that?" "What's that noise?" and "Oh shit!"
-Authors Unknown
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
-Basic Flight Training Manual
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-Emergency Checklist
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
-Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
-Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

[Darwin]

I wish you didn't make me roll around on the floor laughing....at my age, it is damned hard getting back up.

[iligan3pm]

those were really funny. laughed at every line. now, i'm short out of breath

[KieferRhys]

If I can extend this to cover military history, I heard this one concerning Napoleons' 1812 counter advance on Moscow. Having retreated all the way to the borders of Austria, Napoleon has to cross some d**ned inconvenient river. Riding upsteam he finds a ferry:
Napoleon: Have many deserters come this way?
Ferryman: No, you're the first.

[Zakopious]

Murphy's military police laws

• Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
• When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
• Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
• Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
• If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
• The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
• No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
• The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
• Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
• It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
• If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
• No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
• No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
• Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
• Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
• Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
• You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
• The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
• Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
• Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
• Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
• You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
• Empty guns - aren't.
• Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
• Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
• Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
• Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.

[gregh]

Zakopious, those are good ones. LOL

[peter taft]

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-US. Air Force Manual

Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.

My two favourites :D Very funny guys