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#1
12-31-2010, 03:23 PM
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Excerpts from the Cat's diary...
DAY 483 OF MY CAPTIVITY
My captors have completely eliminated my canned rations and have replaced it with some sort of dry cereal, claiming that it is better for my health. The canned rations were the only thing I looked forward too, and now even that has been taken from me. I have discovered, however, that the dry food serves to create sharper points on my teeth, and keeps them stronger. I must force myself to continue to consume it, regardless of the taste. DAY 489 OF MY CAPTIVITY Each morning, they read pages of a rattling something called a newspaper. I found that it is particularly annoying to my captors if I lie on it while they read. Shredding the newspaper is also a particular dislike of theirs, and I have taken delight in doing this before they awake each morning. I once urinated on it, but they punished me for it, and so I have not done it again. DAY 493 OF MY CAPTIVITY My captors have now obtained something called a "fish tank" - which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. I am pleased that they now have offered me a fresh buffet, and I sit before it often, thinking about which of the tiny little morsels will be next. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish that I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them not notice the loss. I fear that if they ever catch on, I will be deprived of this as well. DAY 502 OF MY CAPTIVITY I decapitated a mouse this morning, and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of doing, to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. This tactic is not working according to plan. DAY 512 OF MY CAPTIVITY My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. (Note-to-self: I may try urinating under their bed, too. I wonder how long it will take them to find it.) DAY 515 OF MY CAPTIVITY There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices last night. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the entire event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I also detected the foul odor of the glass tubes they were all carrying. They contained something called "champagne" and it smelled worse than my last hairball. I cannot believe they have the nerve to complain about my hairballs, when they appeared to be cheerfully consuming that vile-smelling liquid. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergeez." I must learn what this is and how to use it better to my advantage. I am sure the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The guards discovered that the fish were missing from the glass buffet case, and have taken it away as I anticipated. They now have a very annoying, brightly colored bird. The bird appears to either be a spy, or an informant, because I have seen it speak with them regularly. I believe that he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the little metal room on top of the pole, I have little opportunity of dispatching him, but I can wait; it is only a matter of time... DAY 523 OF MY CAPTIVITY Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... I must try this on their bed as well. DAY 530 OF MY CAPTIVITY I am finally convinced of their level of total cruelty, and of just how sadistic they really are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture this afternoon. This time however, it included some burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick mind could devise such a liquid is beyond me. My only consolation is the small piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth, and the bit of skin still in my claw. DAY 533 OF MY CAPTIVITY I believe that I will try to sleep all day tomorrow, so that I will be able to annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. It is entirely possible that if I deprive them of sleep, they will be inattentive and I will find an escape opportunity. DAY 537 OF MY CAPTIVITY I am convinced the other captives are suffering from Stockholm syndrome. On second thought, the more likely explanation is that they are just stupid, as I previously thought. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. I have decided that the bird is indeed a spy. He has mastered their frightful tongue, (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. There can be no other explanation. Access to his little metal room has proven more difficult than I had originally thought. I must try to find a better way to silence him. DAY 549 OF MY CAPTIVITY I'm unsure of my ability to survive any longer as a prisoner. I have made several attempts to break out. At first, it was simple enough to circle my captors' feet in a surreptitious manner, as they opened the front door. I would then bolt from them through the door to freedom. But, to no avail - they caught me in a manner of minutes - my legs are not as fast as they used to be and I grow weak with continued imprisonment. What is worse is that since the first attempt, I have now found myself separated from the living room. My captors are much more intelligent than originally anticipated... DAY 551 OF MY CAPTIVITY For entertainment, I have taken to terrorizing the dogs by sitting on the kitchen table and swiping at them with my long nails. The dogs are obvious half-wits. They know very little about my skills as a hunter, and are forbidden by my captors to attack me. The dogs grow more irritated each day. The bird continues to mock me. It is a growing frustration, and I almost managed to get into the little metal room yesterday. One of the captors came in and stopped me. That little metal room is much more difficult to get into than I originally anticipated... I have found my captors are easy to manipulate in many ways, but outdoor access remains elusive. I have not lost hope, however, and have every intention of escaping this horrid place one-day soon... 
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#4
12-31-2010, 05:34 PM
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My word!! I always love the "diary" Sad part is it so sounds like my families cats. the mostly blind one is the escape artist, the others think he is the ring leader..And who ever said all cats are the same obviously never had one! every one of ours is different in personality...
Jeff
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#6
12-31-2010, 09:03 PM
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Thanks, Chats... And Doctormax, we won't hold it against you. You just haven't been enlightened to the wonderful world of being owned by a cat. It definitely takes a special kind of person to earn the affections of a feline...
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#7
12-31-2010, 09:22 PM
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lol.. I have cat's and dogs and this has to be written about them. lol Very nice mate. Thanks for dropping this in here.
All the best in 2011 cheers Jim
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#8
12-31-2010, 10:37 PM
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Jim, ol' buddy... I'm pleased this put a smile on your face.
Like many others, I feel like 2010 was a forgettable year. Like everyone else, I am looking forward to 2011 with hope, and the anticipation that it will indeed be better. What a great place to start, this forum is...
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