Bad Jokes, Folks

[Burning Beard]

That is truly awful, can't wait to tell some of my friends,

[sprogs]

This is difficult for me as it concerns someone who is very close to me, my little brother Steve.
Those of you who know us are, I'm sure, aware of his personal problems and also know that we, as a family, have always tried our best to be supportive of him.
Unfortunately we were drawn to the end of our tether when he was sent to jail.
Since then he has become completely unreasonable. He shouts abuse, spits and threatens violence towards anyone who tries to come near him or talk reason to him.
He is refusing to wear clothes and, worst of all, has started spreading his faeces on the walls.
Finally, as a family we have decided that we are no longer prepared to play Monopoly with him.

(Just as an aside. I can't remember how long I've been a member of this forum and I've lost count of the models I've formed into a twisted travesty of their designers art. Yet, I still have the modeling skills of a Guppy and the manual dexterity of an Elephant with a wooden leg. Tremendous fun though isn't it !)
Liz.

[Miles Linnabery]

One leg growith much longer than the other

[Erik J]

I took my laptop with me to the coffee shop. They asked to see proof it had antivirus protection.

[Knife]

OK, that made me laugh. Strange new world.

[sprogs]

With apologies for my lack of knowledge of the game in question.

It was the 1st day of the five day final at the Oval.
In the pavilion dressing room Mike Gatting was getting changed when the manager came up to him.
"Mike," he said, "We've got a new lad today and I'm putting him on to bat first with you, he's over there."
Mike Gatting looks around and over the other side of the changing room a Horse is getting padded up !
Putting aside his surprise Gatting steps out onto the pitch with the Horse, the Horse calls for his line and away the match goes.
Up runs Dennis Lilley and bowls a spinner. The Horse nicks it between fine leg and square leg for a four.
The crowd applaud. A fine shot.
Lilley runs up again and bowls straight down the line. The Horse slips it between point and cover for another four. The crowd again applaud.
Again Lilley races down and delivers a fine bouncer. The Horse easily hooks it past the 'keeper and into the crowd at the pavilion end !"
A six !
The crowd are on their feet, hurrahing and clapping.
Lilley hurtles down again and throws a vicious Yorker. The Horse simply blocks it beyond reach of the near field. "Run!" shouts Mike Gatting and sets off down the pitch.
The Horse simply stands there.
"RUN !" screams Mike Gatting again, but the Horse simply stands patiently.
Realising he is in a desperate position Mike Gatting tries to make it back to his crease, but just as he almost reaches safety his wicket explodes into splinters from a superb bit of fielding. He is OUT !
He is also enraged !
Stomping up to the Horse he shouts "What on EARTH is up with you, we had an easy point there. Why didn't you RUN ?"
"Run ?" said the Horse, looking perplexed, "RUN. "
"If I could run I'd be at b****y ASCOT !".

[sprogs]

Putin was worried. He wasn't sure he was up to date with his agents in the Uk so he sent an agent to contact his spy in Wales, a man who went under the codename of "Jones".
For security he is given the call sign "There will be snow in Barry tonight".
He arrives at the train station and asks the ticket collector where he might find his friend Jones.
"Will you be wanting Jones the butcher, Jones the undertaker, Jones the Doctor, Jones the chemist, or, now I think of it, me. My name is Jones"
"There will be snow in Barry tonight" he replies.
"Ah, well that will be Jones the spy you’ll be wanting then."

[sprogs]

It was a hard life at the monastery, so newcomers were given some time to find out if they were really suited to the monastic life.
Celibacy was enforced, prayer was mandatory at all required hours, porridge was the main food and simplicity was a basic rule.
The hardest rule was the rule of silence. The abbot was allowed to speak only when necessary but brothers were only allowed one word per annum and that to be spoken after Christmas dinner (porridge) was eaten.
As you can imagine it was hard for brother Finkelstein to adjust, but he did his best.
After his first year he was allowed his first word.
"I"
Heads were bowed in respect for his dedication to the rules.
A year later he spoke for only the second time.
"Hate"
Heads were shaken and brows furrowed, this was not a place for such strong feelings !
As the next year drew to a close the brothers were anticipating his next word and when it was uttered....
"Porridge"
The silence was even more intense as the brothers recoiled at the intensity of it.
The Abbot broke the tension.
"Brother Finkelstein," he said "I feel you may not be suited to the monastic life. You have been here three years now and all you have done is complain ! "

[Philip]

That's a great one from long ago. Thanks for the reminder. It made me laugh as much as it did the first time I heard it, even though I knew what was coming. It's the way you tell 'em.

[juan angel 747]

a friend's divorce was for the same reasons as los rodeos accident in tenrife

due to lack of communication