Bad Jokes, Folks - Page 27

**sreinmann** · #**261** 10-13-2022, 10:06 AM

Death was strolling along the hospital ward and from the bed of one of the patients he heard a plea for his attention. He approached a middle aged woman in the midst of treatment for her severe illness and indicated that he was there to listen. "Death, I feel so terrible, I must not have long now. Are you here for me?"

Death took his book from his deep robes held it aloft and with a boney finger examined his lists. After a few moments, he slipped the book back into his robes and shook his head. "You will not be visited by me for 30 years."

The woman was amazed and relieved. With renewed vigor and positive outlook, from that day onward she made a miraculous recovery. Vowing to make good use of her extended time, she immediately acted to live more fully and healthfully. She cut out the drugs and alcohol that had consumed her. She learned to cook healthy and various foods. She lost weight and grew strong. To celebrate, she got liposuction, a face lift, a boob job and a makeover.

A year after her recovery as she stepped out of the nail salon one afternoon, she was struck down by a bus.

Floating ethereally over her mangled body she stared down in disbelief hardly noticing Death as he strode up to her. When he touched her shoulder, she started and immediately turned on him, "WHAT THE F- Death!? You told me I had 30 years!!"
"Oh DAMN!" He exclaimed jumping back. "I didn't recognize you!"

**sprogs** · #**262** 10-26-2022, 12:39 PM

I can't believe I've won the "World towel throwing" Championship.
I mean, I conceded defeat in the final !

**sprogs** · #**263** 11-11-2022, 01:07 PM

I've never really had much interest in history. It was my worst subject at school and I always found it pretty boring, but last night I was wandering about on the net, following random threads and leads, when I came across a piece about Henry V111 and how the man who helped dress him on a morning had suddenly disappeared. I found this mystery quite intriguing so I did a search for
"Lost medieval servant"
For some reason it just kept coming back "Page not found".

**sprogs** · #**264** 11-19-2022, 01:10 PM

Shamelessly borrowed.

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. I'm seriously worried now because I need the toilet, this could spell disaster !

**sprogs** · #**265** 11-19-2022, 01:12 PM

My dog ate my box of scrabble tiles yesterday and I had to take her to the vets to see if they could save her.
No word yet.

**murphyaa** · #**266** 11-19-2022, 01:33 PM

I had no idea that Scrabble tiles were edible. Any word on the ingredient list?

**SteveB** · #**267** 11-20-2022, 04:27 AM

My dog once ate some Scrabble tiles too. She kept leaving little messages all over the place....

**hornswoggler** · #**268** 11-20-2022, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sprogs

Shamelessly borrowed.

... this could spell disaster !

If it did, that would be 9 points because the letter D is 2 points. Not too shitty!

**Erik J** · #**269** 11-21-2022, 11:11 AM

My financial status? I just rinsed off a paper plate.

**sprogs** · #**270** 12-10-2022, 11:58 AM

A man walked into a chemist and bought a pack of condoms. Paid for them and walked out laughing hysterically.
Naturally the chemist was a little alarmed, but thought "Oh well, it's his problem".
Two days later the same man called in again, asked for a pack of condoms, paid and left laughing hysterically.
The chemist was now intrigued and said to his assistant, "the next time that man comes in I want you to follow him and see were he goes".
Two days later, sure enough, pack of condoms and hysterical laughter.
"Off you go", said the chemist, "follow him!"
Two hours later the assistant returns looking a little sheepish.
"Well," said the chemist, "Where did he go?"
"Your house".